Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (unless you’re in Poland, in which case a land quite close to your doorstep), I had to get my wisdom teeth out.
As I lay on the reclining chair with my mouth pried and propped open as far as it would go and only local anesthesia standing between my uber-impacted teeth and the extraction process, I quite clearly recall the Polish dentist remarking to a young protege how unusual my teeth were with four roots instead of two. I also recall the song playing on the radio during that encounter with the surreal.
Always look on the bright side of life! Dee-doo, dee-doo-dee-doo-dee-doo!
I still have that unusually rooted tooth. I take it out and look at it every once in a while when I’m feeling whimsical.
And when I want to feel special.
My wisdom tooth has four roots. I’ll take that to the bank and smoke it.
With all this talk about the End of the World and all my doom and gloom about the terrifying nature of water post-apocalypse, I thought I would take a lesson from the Monty Python boys today and share the five BEST things about the end of the world!
5. If You Make Plans, They’ll Have to Show Up.
Ever notice how smartphones have drastically increased the flakiness factor of your fellow humanoids? How many times have you made plans with someone only to have them text you the day of and say they forgot they had to go the to the dog orthodontist to put braces on their dachsund?
In the past two weeks, this has happened to me three times. I have one former coworker who has made plans with me not once or twice or even thrice (yup, I said that). It’s been four or five times — and she’s never once actually shown up. When you put aside part of your day for someone, it’s never fun when they use technology to cancel on you last minute.
In an apocalypse, we wouldn’t have technology! So if you tell someone to meet you at the Washington Monument at noon on 29 July, if they don’t show up, they’re probably just dead. And if they’re not dead, they’re going to show up. Because they don’t want to be the asshole in an apocalypse who lets everyone think they’re dead when they’re not.
4. Peace and Quiet.
The last time the power went out during the day here, I marveled at how much noise simply…ceased. The hum of the air purifier. The grating snarl of the refrigerator. (Hey, ours has a mind of its own.) The whoosh of the air conditioner. The whirr of the fan. Decibels upon decibels of electronic buzzing vanished into silence.
The handy thing about all that noise going away is that you could actually hear the zombies and monsters coming to get you and arrange to be elsewhere when they arrive.
We live in a loud, loud world. A little silence is balm for the soul.
3. No Commercials.
N o one will try and sell you shit you don’t need ever again! Ever wonder why you walk out of Wal-Mart with three separate sizes of storage bins and a turkey baster? You saw it with an ad on it that made it look vitally important to your survival on a Tuesday, so you got it. You can put yarn in it. Or quilting fabric when you finally buy a sewing machine and learn how to quilt. And everyone needs to baste their turkeys, right?
Yes. Exactly once per year.
If you’re in America. Good luck finding an intact turkey to roast if you live in Poland. I think we got our Thanksgiving turkey on the black market that year.
Commercials suck. They make me want to buy a Dyson or a new Civic to replace the perfectly serviceable newish Civic that sits in our reserved parking spot. I get so sick of pictures and actors trying to sell me everything that it makes me long for the end times.
2. Free Time
You know that hobby you’ve always talked about undertaking but never really get going because your life is taken up by menial tasks like working 50 hours a week, eating, interacting with those humans who live in your home, calling your mum, and flossing?
Well, in the post-apocalyptic wonderland, not only could you take up more than one hobby to occupy all your gloriously free time, but the equipment would be cheap as free! You might have to fight your way through a zombie horde to get to the nearest REI, but once you’re there, you can take ALL the rock wall for yourself.
Underwater basket weaving. Fly fishing. Archery. Crocheting. Interpretive dance.
It’s all you, baby.
1. Be All You Can Be
No, you don’t have to join the army.
Hell, you’ll BE your own army.
The best thing about the apocalypse is that it will try your mettle. You can be as badass as you want to be. You can take out zombies and survive on your own. You can protect your family and build a new civilization in your own image (mua ha ha ha).
All of the preconceived notions of YOU will vanish when the world ends. There will be pre-EOW you, and there will be post-EOW you. No more boss who makes you feel like a nincompoop. No more bill collectors hounding you. No more foreclosure notices, 6 AM meetings, missing little Billy-Bob’s first home run. No more You 1.0.
You get to start fresh. You get to realize whatever inner magic you’ve always had but kept squashed inside like a squirrel in a jar. Want to be different? Go for it.
So there you have it — five great reasons why the apocalypse wouldn’t totally suck. There are plenty of reasons why the end of the world would be a bummer, but today, I’ll take my cue from those crazy blokes who brought us The Knights of Ni and the great big killer rabbit.
What would be your high points in an apocalypse? What could be an improvement?