Emmie Mears
SFF. Queer AF.

An Ode to My Womb

    Home  /  Blog  /  An Ode to My Womb

An Ode to My Womb Image

An Ode to My Womb

It will never be used.

I want to lift a glass to it all the same.

There are times when I marvel at the ability of my body to create life, even though I don’t want to take advantage of that power. Our bodies are amazing things. So many systems work together and discretely alike to make us go. And we, as individuals, work together and discretely to make our species go. That’s awesome, in the truest sense of the word.

For a long time, I was ambivalent about kids. If I pictured them, it was sort of in a picture-on-the-mantle sort of way, where they were disconnected from me and who I am, but existed. I could imagine them existing — I’m pretty good at imagining in general — but they didn’t interact with me as a person in that imaginary setting.

There were times I was sure I didn’t want them. Then there were a few times I was sure I did. I remember a moment feeling overwhelmed that I was afraid someone wouldn’t be around to meet my future progeny, and the distress that caused me.

Later though, more and more, my mind and body and heart came around to the knowledge that I didn’t want kids at all.

Some people know from an early age and never change their minds. That’s great — convenient, if nothing else.

Many others, like myself, go back and forth before deciding. About a year and a half ago, I found three things to be true.

1. I didn’t want a child if I didn’t know 100% I wanted them.
2. You can change your mind and have a child, but once they’re there you’re a parent.
3. My body is mine and mine alone.

Those three things evolved, slowly, into an understanding that on a very profound level, I not only had no desire to have a child, but I deeply did not want to be a parent.

I reject the idea that womanhood is found between my legs in a funky-looking arrangement of organs inside my body. I reject the idea that my reaching my max level up of womaning has to do with kicking my uterus into gear and housing a new being in it for nine months. I reject the idea that I cannot understand real love unless I am a mother.

I have been fortunate so far, in that very few people have greeted me with insensitive comments that erase my own personhood when I tell them I don’t want kids. Only one person has told me I’ll change my mind (and he got an earful). Only one person has told me I will regret it (I won’t). And no one has made value judgments about my worth as a woman person due to my decision (at least not to my face).

It’s a deeply personal decision, whether to have kids or not.

For me, even the idea of pregnancy is too much. Everyone — everyone — is different. For me, to not be alone in my own body for nearly a year makes me feel ready to panic. To not be able to detach, to get away, to retreat. I know myself very well. I know what I need to be a sane, generally-affable personage. I need alone time and space. I need a lot of it. Daily. I am a terrible sleeper as is and have to fight for every six hour night. When I don’t sleep, I get ill. I know that raising children would not be good for my body or my health. I spent most of my early life worrying about what others thought and needed and wanted from me. And going into my fourth decade, one of the big things I knew is that I needed to make decisions that made sense for my life and goals.

The decision not to have children is often treated like a selfish one. But having a child knowing I would not be able to give her what she needed from a parent would be worse. I reject the idea that not having children is any more inherently selfish than having them; after all, we can barely feed the children we have on this planet as is. What I embrace and accept is the idea that we are all individual people who need to make the choices that make sense for our lives and however our lives intersect with our partners.

For me, it means that my womb will remain unchanged and uninhabited.

If I were allowed — and the fact that grown women are often not allowed to make this decision is asinine to me — I would probably get sterilized. I’ve spent a decade on various forms of hormonal birth control, which filled my head with fog and altered my body and messed with my emotions and generally made me miserable. My IUD was the best choice I’ve ever made for myself, but getting that was a battle. Remember that person I said told me I’d regret my choice and that I would change my mind? Yeah, that was my doctor. I had to fight my doctor, because he didn’t want  me to “waste” my remaining fertile years. He thought that I would change my mind in five years when the IUD would be removed and that I would then be devastated because my body couldn’t have kids. He didn’t think I’d be able to have kids even now. He thought I hadn’t thought things through enough. He didn’t trust me to know what I wanted, at age 29. It took me describing my childhood in poverty, my current finances, my feelings, my history as a rape survivor, my intense introversion — all to convince him that I knew myself well enough to get an IUD.

That’s the maddening thing, that lack of trust. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I’m confident in that.

I like kids. I’m really good with kids. But it bothers me when people say I’ll be a good mom. I would not be a good mom. I certainly wouldn’t be a happy mom. I know myself well enough to know that — and that’s one of the many reasons I won’t be one.

I am appreciative that even though I feel like I have to explain myself with this choice, I have one. When people say they don’t need feminism, it’s this kind of thing that makes me wonder if they’ve forgotten why it exists. Equality and choice. That is the underlying basis for feminism — that men, women, and everyone in between will have the right to choose what makes sense for their lives and be treated fairly and equally in society regarding the realization of those choices. That I can choose to devote my life to stories and words and live alone with my cats and be a feminist, just like the woman who wants five kids can be a feminist. (She can!) That a man can choose to be a stay at home dad and want five kids and be a feminist. That two moms can give birth to their kids or adopt them or choose not to do either. That we are free to be more than one facet — that we are allowed many.

There are plenty of people on this planet who will keep it populated without me. I’m happy to leave them to it. (I also already have 8 nieces and nephews, so I think it’s safe to say my spot will be filled.)

What I love is the knowledge that my body can do something, but that the potential for it doesn’t mean it must. I love my body and what it can do. I’m thankful that it works, that it’s healthy, and that it gets me through this life.

I just don’t need it to create a new one.

Like this post? Subscribe to get more in your inbox!

Author | Emmie Comments | 9 Date | April 2, 2015

comments

Heather Lee

Oh, I get this. So much. That “selfish” argument makes me stabby. The planet has quite enough humans; I really don’t think my adding to the heap would have been helpful for the environment or my sanity. People just don’t think before they spout that crud.

High fives to you for knowing yourself so well. I’m sorry you had to fight your doctor like that, but you are not alone. I read a lot last year during my own womb-al crisis and that fight is ridiculously common. My age was the only thing that saved me from it.

Excellent post. Thank you for saying something more people need to hear!

April 2, 2015 | 10:04 am

    Emmie

    Yeah, I want to erase “selfish” from the discussion of whether or not people procreate, period. It’s really something that wriggles under my skin. I don’t have the capacity (physical, mental, spiritual, financial) to be a parent, so bringing a kid into the world for me would be a terrible idea. Those who have the capacity and the desire, by all means. Go forth and multiply. But I’ll stay happily in my childfree sphere, getting to hang out with my beloved nieces and nephews and then give them back. LOL.

    And yeah, my doctor ended up apologizing, which I appreciated, but I still resent that he was operating from the assumption that I didn’t know myself well enough to have already thought through and articulated my decision-making process.

    April 2, 2015 | 10:15 am

Larz

I often wonder if my dating women pre transition was a sort of subconscious protection mechanism for me. I have always been utterly terrified of pregnancy. Now that it’s a near impossibility, I can more comfortably embrace my sexuality. I remember telling people how much I never wanted kids. Some of them said I’d change my mind too. Other said adoption. But that’s not quite the point either. I’m with you. And I respect your decision. And I think it’s bullshit that even doctors question what women want with their bodies.

April 2, 2015 | 10:06 am

    Emmie

    Yeah — that makes total sense to me, Larz. Part of me these days feels more inclined to date women for that same reason. I’m still slightly terrified I’ll be one of those .000002% of women who get pregnant on an IUD or something.

    I’ll be relieved when my body is done with the possibility to procreate. I don’t want to adopt, and only an extreme set of circumstances would make me even entertain the idea. I don’t want to be a parent. I have many other things I want to do, and I know that there are as many ways to be a parent as there are to be a single person, but I don’t see a place in my life for children.

    Also pregnancy legit terrifies me. I have NO inclination to ever be pregnant.

    April 2, 2015 | 10:19 am

Lucy

I applaud you for knowing what is right for you! I feel the same way about my kids if they choose to have children or if they don’t, I support their decisions. Having a child doesn’t define who you are or complete you as a woman, if it does anything it changes who you are and you can lose yourself. There will always be people who want to give you advice or judge your decisions, if at the young age of 29 you already know who you are and what you want out of life you’re already ahead of most people!

April 2, 2015 | 12:03 pm

    Emmie

    Heh…well, I at least know this bit. The rest is a work in progress. 🙂

    Thank you, Lucy!

    April 2, 2015 | 12:05 pm

Tara Michelle

The truth in your writing is beautiful, and will stand the test of time. I have agreed wholeheartedly with every word.

I am 25 and an engineering major; I am a perfect workaholic. I received a scholarship from NASA, and plan to build research equipment and space probes. I know that my life lies within my work. When I picture children, I think of all of the long nights, and missed birthdays. I worry about uprooting them to move all over the world, and the sharp eyes of educators judging their long record of schools. I hear their cries as they beg not to leave their friends.

I picture my future husband as a successful man who would resent me for my inability to invest in my kids like I do my work, and I foresee my children growing up in daycare, at the hands of strangers. I hate my future as a mother who loves science and truth more than her own children.
I know that I will inspire, influence, and educate thousands more children with my work if I am not held back by the demands of having my own.

My best friend has a beautiful baby girl, and my cousin, who is like a sister to me, is now pregnant. I will love their children like they were my own; and I’ll be able to invest in and spoil them to my heart’s content. Someday, should I change my mind, I can rescue a young teen from “the system” and give them everything… and that option does not dissipate when my eggs do. There is no need to produce one of my own, to neglect and resent in the crux of my career. Life will be better for everyone if I don’t.

Thank you for being a voice for women like me.

April 10, 2015 | 1:04 pm

    Emmie

    Tara, I cannot thank you enough for this beautiful comment. This is how I feel too — the legacy I want to leave is one of words and stories and empowering people that way.

    And I, like you, if I change my mind, I’ll adopt an at-risk child and give them everything. Kids aren’t pets, but I’d much rather give someone unwanted a home and love than create one from scratch when I never want to be pregnant.

    Yes to everything you said. Thank you for commenting. I needed to see this.

    April 10, 2015 | 1:17 pm

    Emmie

    Also, BIG YAY FOR WOMEN IN STEM.

    April 10, 2015 | 1:18 pm

Comments are closed.

  • Love this? Buy Emmie a Coffee. Mmm, coffee.

  • Newsletter of Newsiness Gets You A Free Ebook

    Want to be kept in the loop?

    * indicates required
    Email Format
  • Support My World-Making!

    Love my work or just want to support me directly? Come to my Patreon! You'll get all sorts of goodies in return!

  • SHRIKE: THE MASKED SONGBIRD (New Release!)

    Available in ebook. Trade paperback coming soon!

  • STORM IN A TEACUP (Book One of the Ayala Storme Series)

    Available in trade paperback and ebook.

  • Follow me on Twitter!

  • Show Your Like

  • Emmie on Goodreads

    What I'll Be Reading in 2014

    The Tombs of Atuan
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: to-read and 2014-reading-list
    Mistborn: The Final Empire
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: to-read and 2014-reading-list
    The Blade Itself
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: to-read and 2014-reading-list
    Elantris
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: to-read and 2014-reading-list
    Girl With a Pearl Earring
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: to-read and 2014-reading-list
    Magic Bites
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: to-read and 2014-reading-list
    Gone Girl
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: to-read and 2014-reading-list
    Claim Me
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: to-read and 2014-reading-list
    Shaman's Crossing
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: currently-reading and 2014-reading-list
    The Selkie Spell
    0 of 5 stars
    tagged: to-read and 2014-reading-list

    goodreads.com
  • Emmie on Pinterest

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers