Emmie Mears
SFF. Queer AF.

Books and Fart-Nuggets

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Books and Fart-Nuggets

You can thank the lovely Anna Meade (@ruanna3) for the latter bit of this blog’s title. πŸ™‚

First of all, gentle viewers, check this out:

That's uh, my book. See how it dwarfs the mighty Xbox controller.

No, I did not just grab a ream of paper and plunk a title page on it. I promise I didn’t even think of doing that. (Dammit.)

Anyway, that’s the book. All 606 pages of it. That’s some pages. 121,926 words. A bunch of chapters. All of them numbered wrong — thanks to my failure to see what the compile function in Scrivener would do with my manuscript. Good show, Emmie.

It’s okay. Keep your handkerchiefs in your pockets.

I’m not sending this bad boy to any agents yet. Instead, I am going to hole punch the fart-nuggets out of it and stick it in the biggest binder I can find. Then I’m going to find a red pen.


I said it.

He really is the best one for this job. Image via playstation.com, but probably belongs to George Lucas like the rest of the planet.

I went through this evening and took a good hard look at the first few chapters. I changed some stuff around, and I will probably change more. One bit of sobering advice I’ve heard a lot of lately is that if the first two chapters aren’t among the best in your book, you should probably start the book later.

I think a lot of writers get caught up in setting the scene for their novels, but as Ms. Kristen Lamb said in her recent blog postΒ  (oddly referencing Star Wars as well) about the phrase in media res, starting your book by explaining everything is kind of why the Star Wars prequel trilogy bombed like an imploding Death Star. We just plain didn’t need to see it all played out. We knew Anakin would end up Vader. We knew Yoda was always awesome. We really didn’t need any of that reiterated — and I think we all know we didn’t need to meet Jar-Jar…ever.

This isn’t to say that my first chapters suck — just that they were written some time ago, and they need a little sprucing up. My style’s evolved a bit, and I feel more concrete in who my characters are now, which makes it easier to write them.

So here I go, diving in with my red pen. I just wish I had a Darth Vader costume about now.

*A note on fart-nuggets, since I’m sure some of you don’t want to be uncouth enough to ask. As I explained to Ms. Anna, that’s simply my PC way of saying shit. Which I’ve now ruined, because now I’ve gone and said shit. Twice.Β 

“Good lord,” some of you are no doubt thinking. “If that’s her PC way of saying it, she must be very uncouth indeed!”

You’re quite right, gentle viewers. I was raised by a mom who cursed like a sailor even when I charged her money for it. I know much of what I do from baiting her into expletive-fests by turning the TV to any channel that showed Rush Limbaugh. I have long since come to terms with that moral gray area.

Love and kisses!


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Author | Emmie Comments | 12 Date | January 13, 2012


Anna Meade (@ruanna3)

This puts me in my happy place for so many reasons. I laughed until I wiped my eyes. Glad I could offer a small part of inspiration for such a great post. Congrats on printing, good luck with editing!

January 13, 2012 | 1:49 am

    Emmie Mears

    Why thank you, thank you very much. πŸ˜€

    January 13, 2012 | 1:54 am


@ Anna Meade what a silly grin you must be wearing after this post πŸ™‚ teasing

January 13, 2012 | 1:49 am

Marcie Hill

Emmie, this was good. Fart-nuggets….I love it! Follow your heart as you write. I received feedback from a few people who had opinions about my eBook which wasn’t in a traditional book format, and they don’t even have books! Just do you!

January 13, 2012 | 9:30 am

    Emmie Mears

    Thanks, Marcie! I’m about to start delving into the “final” revision before the conference. Exciting!

    January 13, 2012 | 1:31 pm

Sherry Isaac

Fart-nuggets? LOVE it. Before you dive into edits phase, if you have not yet basked in the wisdom of Margie Lawson, now is the perfect time. http://www.margielawson.com

So, is fart on your list of 100 words, Emmie? And, does fart qualify as ‘high concept’? My vote is yes.

January 13, 2012 | 10:23 am

    Emmie Mears

    Hahahahahaha! Sherry, nope…it’s not on my list of 100 words, but I reckon it should be.

    But high-concept? I challenge anyone to find me a person who has not laughed at a fart at some point in his or her life. πŸ˜€

    January 13, 2012 | 1:32 pm

Daniel Swensen (@surlymuse)

Well. Certainly the most memorable blog post title I have seen in a while.

One of my favorite deconstructions of the Star Wars prequels was done by Patton Oswalt. If you go to youtube and search for “at midnight i will kill george lucas with a shovel” you’ll find it. Basically, he says “I don’t care where the stuff I love comes from. I just love the stuff I love!”

January 13, 2012 | 10:43 am

Mike M

I’ve read that you get no more than a a few pages’ attention from a script reviewer at a publishing company.

One of my big problems with my last NaNoWriMo experience is that the best concepts and sources of tension were in my backstory, and the actual plot was comparatively pedestrian.

I should have listened to Juvenile’s advice and backed that thing up.

January 13, 2012 | 10:48 am

    Emmie Mears

    Yeah, I want to beef up the first few chapters as much as I can, because if an agent asks to see them, they sure as heckles make her want more. πŸ™‚

    January 13, 2012 | 1:34 pm


Through all my drafts, the beginning has changed the most. And will most likely continue to do so. It is the first thing that readers (either agents, publishers, or (gasp) actual readers) see. It has got to be your best.

Good luck with the edits. That is one huge pile of fart-nuggets to go through… πŸ˜‰

January 13, 2012 | 11:23 am

Rebecca Goldson

I am so honored, my darling girl, to be featured in your blog. I am glad you can cash in a bit on my cussing, which, as you know, was a terrible fricking habit to break(!) but which served me well in some circumstances. πŸ™‚ Now, if you could find a way to promote some of my finer accomplishments from time to time?…… Nothing comes to mind…..Oh, singing naughty translations of French songs? no, no, no… Well, I am sure you can think of something.

January 15, 2012 | 10:59 pm

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