Today I am hosting the lovely Friday Fellow Kristin McFarland with some hilarity about life, love, and getting married with Buffy as your guide. You can find Kristin at her blog or on Twitter — and you should! Because I said so.
Take it away, Kristin!
I am planning a June wedding. I’m not a girly-girl or your typical blushing bride, so I have to admit that a lot of my wedding advice has come from watching the nuptial-related disasters in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. First, a spell goes awry in “Something Blue” and Buffy briefly thinks she’s engaged to pre-soul, pre-naughty-buddy Spike. Then, in “Hell’s Bells,” Anya and Xander plan and celebrate what may have been the worst wedding ever shown on television.
I think it’s a pretty good idea to take some preventative steps to avoid any similar demon-filled disasters.
Make sure you’re marrying the guy for the right reasons. In other words, ask a friend to confirm that you’re not in fact under some freaky love spell. Accidents happen, spells go awry, we all fall prey to the sexy aura of a badboy with peroxide-bleached hair and a British accent. You should probably take this step before you even get to the engagement stage, though, because no one will want to tell you how crazy you’re acting when you’re weeping over wedding dresses.
Be nice to your bridesmaids. You never know when you’re going to need a bridesmaid to help adjust your veil or to kick some demon’s ass, so you’d better treat them nicely. While burlap and blood larva may be traditional, you’re definitely doing no one any favors if you abide by horrifying conventions. Do the ladies a favor and dress them nicely… and not in sea-green mermaid-skirted atrocities.
Practice your vows ahead of time. While you may want to be your groom’s sex poodle for life, your grandparents probably don’t want to hear you make that vow. Of course you should say how you really feel about your groom, but some things are best said in private. Run your vows by your girlfriends at least a few weeks before your wedding so they can figure out a tactful way to tell you that you’re liable to TMI your relatives into red-faced, tittering oblivion.
Should she appear, don’t listen to your future self. This is the fantasy equivalent of cold feet. If your future self tells you not to marry your groom, ask for proof. Don’t just let Future-You show you your worst nightmares and call them prophecy: demand to see a future driver’s license, a newspaper from the future, a letter from your future husband, or some kind of professional fortune teller’s business-card. Bottom line, don’t let your fears manipulate you.
Do not allow anyone to make a drunken toast. Some people get sentimental when they drink. Others get giggly. Still others get strangely confessional. Weddings are not the time for parents to admit disappointment in their own marriage, nor is it the time to get brutally honest about future in-laws. This is where those bridesmaids you’ve been nice to can come in handy: they can swoop in and drag off your stammering drunk uncle before he can start talking about how your new in-laws look more like circus freaks than circus folks.
Know that a blended family is not always a happy family. Your family wanted a traditional church wedding, hers wanted a traditional skyclad Wiccan wedding. Your family is human, his is demon. Sometimes when you blend completely random ingredients, you get rocky road ice cream… and other times you get failed stir-fry the dog won’t eat. Anya’s and Xander’s families do not belong together, and that may be true for you and your in-laws, as well. That’s okay–but only if the pair of you know you belong together, even if your families clash more than a polka-dot shirt with plaid pants.
Sometimes the monsters are humans, not demons. Just because a man has horns or a woman exacts vengeance for a living, that doesn’t make them bad people. Xander’s drunk, bitter dad behaves far more cruelly than any of the demons present at the wedding. Know that other people’s happiness can bring out the worst in some, and you should be prepared to do some heavyweight, first-class, hardcore smiling, nodding, and ignoring. Also know that every now and then, people can exceed your expectations–let them, and your wedding will go far more smoothly than any wedding in the Buffyverse.
Now, if only Buffy could give me marriage advice as well as wedding advice.
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