Emmie Mears
SFF. Queer AF.

Don’t Touch My Skittles

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Don’t Touch My Skittles

Every once in a while, I’ll indulge in candy. When I was a kid, my friend Sadie and I used to comb her entire house for loose change to spend at the little store down the street, and we’d stock up on just about every delicious candy we could wrangle for the average $2.13 we’d dig up. These days, I’m an adult, dammit. I can buy what I want. YOU’RE NOT MY MOM.

Sorry.

Ahem.

Last week, I bought a big bag of Skittles, because DUH. And I realized that I will go full Pony Boy with a switchblade if you ask for a couple of my Skittles at the wrong time.

You see, I’m seldom particularly OCD unless it comes to editing or candy. I’m a pretty cluttered person, and I’m less bothered by disorganization than the average bear. That said, when it comes to a few things, I’m full on compulsive. And I have reasons, yo. When I’m critiquing someone’s work, that’s something that’s important to them, and therefore intensely important to me. So I’m going to look for everything I possibly can. When it comes to delicious candy, though, my motives are just plain selfish.

So here’s an easy peasy timeline to let you know when it’s okay to ask me for a couple rainbow-touched Skittles.

Level 1: “Sure, have a handful.”

Skittles

Safe.

At this point, you can have some. I’ve probably just opened that bag up and started the anticipation sequence of allowing my saliva to pool. Hell, I’ll probably be downright generous. Go nuts. Take a handful.

Level 2: Suspicion

Skittles2

You’re stepping out on some thin ice.

If you put your hand out now, you might get a raised eyebrow. I’ve already weeded out the oranges, which are my least favorite flavor (though still yummy). However, if you ask at this point, I’ll respect that you didn’t wait another five minutes.

Level 3: Stinkeye

Scowl.

Scowl.

If you’ve waited this long to ask me hopefully if you can enjoy some of my delicious Skittles, you’re going to get the laser eye of death from me. If you haven’t noticed my system yet, take heed. There are only three colors left, and I save the best for last. Before, there was a 3/5 chance your handful would consist mostly of the ones I am okay parting with. Now we’re down to the good stuff, and my sharing capabilities are quickly reverting from grown-up to toddler.

Level 4: Aw, HELL naw.

I will slap your hand.

I will slap your hand.

If you wait this long and so much as reach for my Skittles, I’ma slap your hand. I’ve been painstakingly sorting these for approximately fifteen minutes now. I’m at the point where painstaking becomes savoring. You’re gonna mess with that?

Level 5: I WILL SMITE YOU

Smote. Smited. Smitten? DEAD.

Smote. Smited. Smitten? DEAD.

No. Just…no. Nobody touches my red Skittles when all the others are gone. It’s like you’ve been eating the edges around your round of watermelon, waiting to enjoy that tender, sweet, delicious center only to have someone come by and spear it with a fork and pop it into her mouth. Or that filet mignon you just paid $25 bucks for and have waited to get to that perfect, juicy, medium rare bite…and the cat swipes it off your plate and into the dog’s mouth.

If I’ve gotten this far, just go get your own pack. I won’t ask you for any.

I promise.

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Author | Emmie Comments | 7 Date | July 8, 2013

comments

LizLong

Haha we are very similar in every regard to Skittles – except I save the red and green (now green apple!) for last together. Dee-licious. I’ll pass out every yellow and purple until they’re gone, but after that? No touching.

July 8, 2013 | 9:38 am

    Emmie

    I liked the lime ones, but the green apple is yuuummy. 😀 😀

    July 8, 2013 | 9:59 am

Anna Loy

Hahhaha, the red are my favorite Skittles too! But don’t cut a girl! 😉

July 8, 2013 | 9:48 am

    Emmie

    I wish sometimes that I could just buy a whole thing of red ones. And then I remember I’m trying to get fit.

    July 8, 2013 | 10:00 am

Tasha

Well now I know your Kryptonite, and how to bribe you. 😉

July 9, 2013 | 11:39 am

coachdaddyblogger

I behave similarly when it comes to pizza. I’ve adjusted, though, by eating the good pieces first. You should try this method.

July 15, 2013 | 12:53 pm

Andi-Roo (@theworld4realz)

I’ll give you my reds if I can have all your purples. We should start a Skittle trade-off program so everyone ends up with their favorite flavors! 🙂

July 19, 2013 | 12:26 am

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