Emmie Mears
SFF. Queer AF.

Recipe for the Creepiest Villains

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Recipe for the Creepiest Villains Image

Recipe for the Creepiest Villains

It’s Terror Tuesday in Emmie Land — not only that, I’ve missed you all for the last two days! I’m still getting used to my new posting schedule, and I feel a little bit like an addict who keeps reaching for the syringe. Must….have……blog.

I must really love you, gentle viewers.

Additionally, yesterday I entered #MenageMonday over at Cara Michaels’ blog, a 200-word flash fiction contest using three different prompts. I got an honorable mention, yeehaw! Thank you to the lovely Ms. Anna Meade for judging!

I have added a new little page for you to check out my short fiction in one place if you feel so inclined.

I picked up Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere this week, and I have been trucking through the book at a decent clip. The villains he’s introduced so far are quite creepy, and they reminded me of some of my all-time favorite villains. Without further ado, I’d like to show you how to cook up a nasty, creeptastic villain for all your goosebumpy needs.

Creeptastic Villain

4 cups urbane
2 cups calculation
1 tablespoon wide smile
1 teaspoon wrong
1 cup chunks o’ dogged persistence
1/2 cup drone-like underlings
Creeptastic Slicing Instrument Glaze

Starting early in a story, mix 4 cups urbane with 2 cups calculation.  This will form the base for the rest of the ingredients. Sprinkle the tablespoon of wide smile and the teaspoon of wrong evenly over the mixture. There should be just enough wrong to peek out of the batter when you least expect it. Mix well.

Cut in the cup of dogged persistence. This should resurface in your batter just when you think it’s gone. Add the drone-like underlings to ensure even distribution of creepiness. Bake for the time specified for your story’s temperature (200-1000 words for flash, 3,000 – 10,000 for short, 60,000 – 150,000 for novel. Times may be transmuted for screen and/or stage.)

Drizzle Creeptastic Slicing Instrument Glaze over entire product. It should seep into the spongy batter.

Variations: Add 1 knowing child for additional creepiness, or omit underlings for a solitary product. The more experienced can experiment with the addition of a draining serum that will sap one or more of the consumer’s strengths, but that’s not for rookies.

Your finished product may never compare to this, but then only the best chefs ever do:

"Can't even shout, can't even cry, the gentlemen are coming by, looking in windows, knocking on doors, they need to take seven, and they might take yours. Can't call to Mom, can't say a word, you're gonna die a-screaming, but you won't be heard."

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Author | Emmie Comments | 15 Date | March 6, 2012


August McLaughlin

Love it, Emmie. Creepiness and cooking—two of my faves. 😉

March 6, 2012 | 12:14 pm


Hm. I know at one author with a recurring villain who uses that recipe: Jim Butcher’s character John Oh-H!-Whats-His-Last-Name, the crime lord of Chicago.

March 6, 2012 | 12:29 pm

Chris G.

A tasty literary (or simply creative) treat indeed–everyone needs a good villain, and a sound recipe for creepiness certainly helps drive the point home…

March 6, 2012 | 12:41 pm


This was great! Very creative, and something my recipe box was up until now missing. 🙂

March 6, 2012 | 1:00 pm

Lisa Ann Hayes

Add 1 knowing child for additional creepiness.

Great line, Emmie 🙂

March 6, 2012 | 1:34 pm


Neverwhere is fantastic! I believe BBC even made a mini-series sort of thing of it. Pretty spot-on.

March 6, 2012 | 2:24 pm


Ooh, The Gentlemen from “Hush” were some of my favorite bad guys! That episode was brilliant in general, but I especially loved the floating, freaky-headed monsters. They were genuinely creepy.

Clearly the work of an artisan chef.

March 6, 2012 | 3:43 pm

    Emmie Mears

    That’s one of my all time favorite episodes…the writing was delicious, and the pantomiming still makes me cry laughing. The Gentlemen are also some of the creepiest dudes I’ve ever come across…those silver grins? EEEEEEEEKKK.

    March 6, 2012 | 3:46 pm


The Gentlemen. More than a decade later & they still give me the creeps!

March 6, 2012 | 5:33 pm

Elizabeth Fais

Love the photo from Buffy! Those guys were the creepiest!
A fun spin on villains. Great post!

March 6, 2012 | 5:36 pm

    Emmie Mears

    Thanks so much for the RT and for stopping by! 😀

    March 6, 2012 | 5:50 pm


Neverwhere and the Gentlemen in one post! Cool & creep-tastic.

March 7, 2012 | 12:56 am

Marcy Kennedy

This was a super fun post 🙂 Congrats on the honorable mention.

March 7, 2012 | 8:32 pm

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