Top Ten Reasons I Want To Be A Vampire

Top Ten Reasons I Want To Be A Vampire

Let’s face it. Being a vampire would solve so many problems. You could throw a rock and hit 10-20 perfect vampires. And I do mean perfect — just ask Stephenie Meyer.

Here are my top ten reasons that would make me jump at the chance to grow fangs:

1. It’s the most effective diet since before the Atkins guy died of a horribly ironic, weight-related affliction.

Spike does not need to wring his hands over the scale each morning.

Buffyverse aside (okay, and one on True Blood), have you ever seen an overweight vampire? Becoming a vampire has got to be like putting your metabolism on crack. Want to lose those stubborn pounds around your middle that fold into awkward waves and pooch out in inconvenient situations? Get yourself bit!

Blood seems to be the miraculous wonderdrug for weight loss. And the ultimate way for me to take care of my post-wedding 20 pounds of “contentment weight.”

2. The best high risk investment you’ll ever make.

Edward Cullen knows how to pick his digs.

Between the Cullens and the Salvatores, it seems that vampires know how to make their money multiply. Getting sired or made or turned or hokey-pokeyed seems to instill an innate sense of financial solubility. Want to know where to put your money? Get some fangs.

I bet within five years of my undead life I’d be able to pay off my university loans and buy enough houses to make Mitt Romney jealous.

3. The abs.

Mmm. Abs.

There aren’t enough crunches in the world to make my belly look like that, sports fans. We Americans are always looking for the easy way out, so I reckon a stint with an exchange of blood would hit the list of everyone’s new favorite fad to get that sixpack quick!

4. You don’t have to love the beach.

I mean, this happens to me anyway.

If I were a vampire, I could have a viable excuse for not liking the beach. I mean, as it is, I turn into a crispy critter after ten minutes in the sun. If I were a vampire, I could just say it would kill me and eat anyone who laughed.

5. Biting people would get a lot sexier.

I’m all for Spike and Buffy, but still. Rawr.

Aside from the lackadaisically veiled euphemism for sex, a lot of vampire mythology equates biting to steamy. Except Twilight, which seems to gloss over sex and make biting poisonous and painful. (Freud would have a field day.) As a vampire, you’d have an excuse to bite people!

6. Built-in weapon, sort of like a built-in bookshelf.

Better than mace.

All those evenings I have to walk home from work with my tips stuffed into my unmentionables hoping no one will follow me home — my stress would be much alleviated by the possession of fangs. Anyone bothered me? Bite ‘em.

Or growl.

Humans growling just sounds so stupid.

7. To brood with impunity.

Vampire? More like waaaa-mpire.

Angel and Stefan are like two peas. They should be BFFs. They have brooding down to an art form. I don’t often brood, but it would sure be nice to get to brood just ’cause.

“Why are you brooding?”

“I’m a vampire. Get lost. I’m beautiful and strong and rich and I’m going to live forever. WAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

8. I’d be top of the food chain.

Siberian Tiger

Siberian Tiger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Humans like to believe we’re top of the food chain, but if you pit a human against a tiger, I wouldn’t place a bet on the human no matter what the line was. But vampires? With the Cullens trying to singlehandedly make all North American predators extinct, I think it’s safe to say that vampires can take down a grizzly. Or a lion. Though I don’t think I would glorify killing off mountain lions. I’d stick to people.

Mmm, people.

9. I’d  be virtually impervious to harm.

Purrrrrrr. Image via wikia.com

So I wouldn’t quite be Clark Kent, but vampires can take a lot of damage and heal quickly. Stubbing my toes would get a lot less crappy, and if I happen to impale my leg on a metal fence again, it would heal right away!

10. I could do whatever I wanted. Even if that’s like, to go back to high school at the age of 84 or 163.

Erm. Okay.

Man, most contemporary vampires are as square as these hats. I could go back and hang out with hormone crazed adolescents over and over again, or I could take off and visit every country in the world. And go to high school there? No. But I could explore the world, learn languages, collect art, climb mountains — just about anything. And living off the land would be sooo much easier as a vampire.

Yep. So that’s settled. Who wants to vamp me up?

There is one conspicuous absence on this list that you might have noted. I purposely omitted the longevity point. Because I’m not even going to try and pretend that wouldn’t suck.

Who wants to be a vampire with me? If not, what would you want to be?

Let the True Blood Flow

Let the True Blood Flow

Logo from the television program True Blood Fr...

Logo from the television program True Blood Français : Logo original de la série télévisée True Blood (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Warning, here be some spoilers. Arrrrgh. Enter at yer own risk, matey.

It’s getting to be that time again.

I can tell when the premiere of True Blood is imminent, like a scent on the breeze. Well. Sort of. Really I can just tell by the number of people who stop me to say:

“Hey! Has anyone ever told you that you look like that girl from True Blood? Jessica?”

If I had a dollar for every time I’d heard that in the last four years, I’d seriously have like $157. That’d be enough to buy me a bike. A rather crappy bike, but a bike nonetheless.

I’m very flattered to be compared to Deborah Ann Woll. She is quite lovely and she and I share the L’Oreal gene of red hair. It’s nice to be compared to someone that beautiful, and more so than the time someone said I looked like Tracy Lords not expecting me to know who that was. (She is most known for having falsely represented her age as a teenager in order to do porn — incidentally, anything with her in it from that time period is now illegal to possess, as she was a minor.) I actually quite like Tracy Lords in the mainstream films she’s done, but I have a feeling the comparison wasn’t meant as a compliment.

I’ll leave it to you to judge, gentle viewers.

C'est moi en rouge.

And here is the lovely Ms. Deborah Ann Woll:

Deborah Ann Woll at the Screen Actors Guild Aw...

Deborah Ann Woll at the Screen Actors Guild Awards, Shrine Auditorium, Los Angeles on January 23rd, 2010. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My purported doppelgangers aside, I was surprised to find how not enthused I am about the fifth season of True Blood. The first two seasons killed it — witty writing, an attention to plot, and great characterization made a show worth watching. But then it started to go downhill, in my opinion. I kept watching, like not being able to look away from a painful recitation of teen angst poetry.

That and because looking at Eric Northman is never unpleasant.

Eric Northman

Eric Northman (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I mean, really.

It began to annoy me how they treated the African-American characters on the show. Lafayette is three-dimensional and fascinating, but Tara has to be one of the most obnoxious and insufferable characters I’ve ever seen, and let’s not forget that her boyfriend Eggs, who was rather interesting, got killed off before he could really take on a solid role. Other than that, there are no main characters who aren’t white — that don’t get dead faster than your fangs can come out, anyway.

I have the same criticism of The Walking Dead — we’re supposed to believe that in the South, all they come across are white people? Oh yeah, they fed the one new black guy to the walkers the moment he walked onscreen.

I found myself rooting for Tara to just bite the dust already halfway through season three. I’d like to see some more sympathetic characters from different racial backgrounds (no, I did not forget Jesus — but is he still alive?) this season. I was reading several articles about the response to Rue and Thresh being black in The Hunger Games — a fact which, if you read the books with any kind of attention whatsoever, you’d already know and thus wouldn’t be surprised by their casting the lovely Amandla Stenberg as Rue and Dayo Okeniyi as Thresh. That some people were outraged by Ms. Stenberg’s beautiful performance as Rue purely because they expected a little blonde white girl sickened me.

We still, it seems, have quite a long way to go.

So as season five of True Blood looms, I don’t have very high expectations. Last season they jumbled so many elements (and did it rather poorly, to boot) from Sookie‘s fairy-ness to the bizarre witches to Bill’s power-hungry demeanor to Eric’s memory loss and kind of contrived relationship with Sookie, season four disappointed me over and over again. The one redeeming quality I saw was in Sookie finally choosing to not be with either Bill or Eric, if only for her demonstrating some real inner strength for once.

I found throughout the season that it’s Jessica, Lafayette, and Jason I care most about, and they are probably the only reasons I’ll even watch season five.

What I hope most is that the writers get a clue and keep it fresh, make intriguing story lines with compelling characters and don’t overload us on subplots. There’s nothing worse than old blood.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll watch just to see more of this:

True Blood, Eric Northman, HBO

Image via true-blood.net and property of HBO. Visit true-blood.net for True Blood news, predictions, spoilers, and photos! :)

Any Truebies out there? Are you excited for season five or do you share my apprehension? What do you think of season four? Do you wish you could have an Eric of your own? :) Will Tara come back to annoy like the wind, or is she gone for good? Will they give us more than a token sympathetic black character…ever?

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