Let’s face it. Being a vampire would solve so many problems. You could throw a rock and hit 10-20 perfect vampires. And I do mean perfect — just ask Stephenie Meyer.
Here are my top ten reasons that would make me jump at the chance to grow fangs:
1. It’s the most effective diet since before the Atkins guy died of a horribly ironic, weight-related affliction.
Buffyverse aside (okay, and one on True Blood), have you ever seen an overweight vampire? Becoming a vampire has got to be like putting your metabolism on crack. Want to lose those stubborn pounds around your middle that fold into awkward waves and pooch out in inconvenient situations? Get yourself bit!
Blood seems to be the miraculous wonderdrug for weight loss. And the ultimate way for me to take care of my post-wedding 20 pounds of “contentment weight.”
2. The best high risk investment you’ll ever make.
Between the Cullens and the Salvatores, it seems that vampires know how to make their money multiply. Getting sired or made or turned or hokey-pokeyed seems to instill an innate sense of financial solubility. Want to know where to put your money? Get some fangs.
I bet within five years of my undead life I’d be able to pay off my university loans and buy enough houses to make Mitt Romney jealous.
3. The abs.
There aren’t enough crunches in the world to make my belly look like that, sports fans. We Americans are always looking for the easy way out, so I reckon a stint with an exchange of blood would hit the list of everyone’s new favorite fad to get that sixpack quick!
4. You don’t have to love the beach.
If I were a vampire, I could have a viable excuse for not liking the beach. I mean, as it is, I turn into a crispy critter after ten minutes in the sun. If I were a vampire, I could just say it would kill me and eat anyone who laughed.
5. Biting people would get a lot sexier.
Aside from the lackadaisically veiled euphemism for sex, a lot of vampire mythology equates biting to steamy. Except Twilight, which seems to gloss over sex and make biting poisonous and painful. (Freud would have a field day.) As a vampire, you’d have an excuse to bite people!
6. Built-in weapon, sort of like a built-in bookshelf.
All those evenings I have to walk home from work with my tips stuffed into my unmentionables hoping no one will follow me home — my stress would be much alleviated by the possession of fangs. Anyone bothered me? Bite ’em.
Humans growling just sounds so stupid.
7. To brood with impunity.
Angel and Stefan are like two peas. They should be BFFs. They have brooding down to an art form. I don’t often brood, but it would sure be nice to get to brood just ’cause.
“Why are you brooding?”
“I’m a vampire. Get lost. I’m beautiful and strong and rich and I’m going to live forever. WAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
8. I’d be top of the food chain.
Humans like to believe we’re top of the food chain, but if you pit a human against a tiger, I wouldn’t place a bet on the human no matter what the line was. But vampires? With the Cullens trying to singlehandedly make all North American predators extinct, I think it’s safe to say that vampires can take down a grizzly. Or a lion. Though I don’t think I would glorify killing off mountain lions. I’d stick to people.
9. I’d be virtually impervious to harm.
So I wouldn’t quite be Clark Kent, but vampires can take a lot of damage and heal quickly. Stubbing my toes would get a lot less crappy, and if I happen to impale my leg on a metal fence again, it would heal right away!
10. I could do whatever I wanted. Even if that’s like, to go back to high school at the age of 84 or 163.
Man, most contemporary vampires are as square as these hats. I could go back and hang out with hormone crazed adolescents over and over again, or I could take off and visit every country in the world. And go to high school there? No. But I could explore the world, learn languages, collect art, climb mountains — just about anything. And living off the land would be sooo much easier as a vampire.
Yep. So that’s settled. Who wants to vamp me up?
There is one conspicuous absence on this list that you might have noted. I purposely omitted the longevity point. Because I’m not even going to try and pretend that wouldn’t suck.
Who wants to be a vampire with me? If not, what would you want to be?
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